Everything Old Is New Again.

When my husband and I first set out to reclaim old barns I never thought it would become a staircase and focal wall.

But, then again, does anything follow the exact route intended? Think back,did you intend to be where you are? Are you doing what you truly wish to be doing, or what you feel you must do now…to care for family, and the responsibilities associated? Do you ever question your calling? Some folks are lucky, I suppose; to be so sure, so early in their lives…but, it took a long time become me. I thought that studying to become a nurse was the right thing to do with my life, despite the fact that I’m too thin-skinned for the work. Later, I attained a degree in legal studies..again not the best fit. (desks and I don’t get along)
I found a position with some creative and independent latitude; and it focused on a worthwhile cause..Domestic Violence. I believed this work would really matter; if I could just reach, or find justice for one child, one woman.
For 4 years, I forged ahead…a grass roots type initiative. I heard many say, it can’t be done, it doesn’t work…those with whom this project clashed throwing obstacles in my way…this only firmed my resolve. In the end, I was proud of what the was created, from nearly nothing. I learned early on, water flowed in the direction of least resistance; and connected with the “right” people…(with a fairly progressive,forward thinking Judge forging this new road), this new way of adjudicating cases was showing promise; recidivism was lower. The State was looking to use this as a model for the Judicial System. Yet, I was still fighting the same battles, to make it work, bucking the status-quo…change was not easy for this unit (court). I grew weary and had little fight left in me…there were too many wrongs to make right. It was good work, I was glad to have helped and perhaps eased the pain and burden of some…it was time for me to go. To refill my glass, I had lost myself along the way. I had given so much of myself, for something I believed in (and still do).

Knowing specifically what you want is much different than knowing what you don’t want; I know, now, what I don’t want. Knowing specifically what I want is much different than knowing what I don’t want. Reality is complicated, isn’t it? But, for me, I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I am not out to become wealthy, if that was my only goal, that would have been an easier path, I think. I definitely wouldn’t have made me happy.
But, then again, maybe life isn’t a race, and maybe the most interesting people follow a path all their own..and perhaps, now..I am right where I need to be.

As we were clearing the back pasture, for the new/old fence..a maple tree fell into their pasture..sweet nibbles in January, a treat.

Barn boards, stairs,and critters to be fenced..

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A poem of sorts…from “Free to Be Me and You”… Marlo Thomas

When we grow up, will I be pretty?
Will you be big and strong?
Will I wear dresses that show off my knees?
Will you wear trousers twice as long?
Well, I don’t care if I’m pretty at all.
And I don’t care if you never get tall.
I like what I look like, and you’re nice small.
We don’t have to change at all.

Hey!
When we grow up, will I be a lady?
Will you be an engineer?
Will I have to wear things like perfume and gloves?
I can still pull the whistle while you steer.
Well, I don’t care if I’m pretty at all.
And I don’t care if you never get tall.
I like what I look like, and you’re nice small.
We don’t have to change at all.

When I grow up, I’m gonna be happy and do what I like to do,
Like making noise and making faces and making friends like you.
And when we grow up, do you think we’ll see
That I’m still like you and you’re still like me?
I might be pretty; you might grow tall.
But we don’t have to change at all.

I don’t want to change, see, ’cause I still want to be your friend, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

Be well,
Jess